Authors Note: I wrote this one before I went into ED treatment Spring 2019. I needed to lose weight for acute medical reasons and it’s challenging when you have an eating disorder to remain balanced in and the persistence you have to have to lose a significant amount of weight and also maintain that loss.
TRIGGER WARNING:
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Love to Gain Hate to Lose
Lose weight they said
I turned my head
To hide my tears
Ashamed with fear
Have surgery
You’re much too big
You disgust us all
It will make you small
I’m quite aware
I’m much too fat
Plenty of self hate
Inner chit chat
Diagnostically assessed
As food obsessed
Deeply criticized
You must downsize
You eat too much
Can’t you see
You’re an insurance drain
On society
Just cut her up
So she can’t eat
Soon to be
Uncategorized from obesity
Not so fast
I do agree
I hate myself
And my body
Refused to be sliced
From end to end
Did plenty of that myself
My friend
Non-surgical weight-loss
A second tract to try
A well hidden eating disorder
Is this how I will die?
Must stay focused
All of the time
Every decision
I loathe mealtime
Don’t eat this
Don’t eat that
Too many calories
Too much fat
Nothing’s left
That I can consume
Maybe that’s the plan
To take up less room
Take away her food
Now add exercise
Let’s see if we can break her
She could use smaller thighs
Remind her of her obesity
As often as you can
Shame her into restriction
That’ll be the plan
An all consuming depression
Soon sets in
A Roman Catholic zombie
White pale skin
Buried amongst the blankets
Laying upon her bed
Wishing God would take her
If only she were dead
She wouldn’t have to face
Another plate of food
In reality a half cucumber
Who’s kidding who?
All very confusing
The journey of weight loss
We won’t know until the end
Exactly what it cost
The love and hate relationship
The balance you must maintain
To fuel a body properly
And you also must obstain
Maintenance is forever
Difficult beyond words
Failure is not an option
Daily living is a blur
Trapped in restriction
Chasing my own death
When I go to sleep tonight
Will I breathe my last breath?
Tricking my own body
Into thinking it’s been fed
Filling it with hot liquids
Now it’s been misled
I’ve bought myself some time
It’s borrowed time I know
My symptoms are now adding up
It’s not my time to go
A higher level of care
A life preserver thrown
Not quite sure I’m ready
For all the unknowns
Uncertainty is scary
I’ve faced my fears before
This of course is different
Shakes me to my core
I know the clock is ticking
My body can’t hold out
Secret battles in my head
I don’t want to let them out
Right now I am only judged
By me, myself, and I
Sharing will make me vulnerable
To those questioning why?
I don’t have the answers
Many are looking for
I don’t question where this came from
It’s not helpful anymore
Dealing with the here and now
Is a big job all its own
Dwelling in the past
We reap what we’ve sown
Recovery is complicated
A twisted road with signs
Warning you of danger
Letting you know it’s time
I am thankful for my treatment team
Each and every one
My bulimia did this to me
It decided to “have some fun”
Eating disorders are deadly
Statistically very high
Just waking up each morning
Thankful to be alive
Not quite sure what lies ahead
More battles I presume
Time to get the armor out
I’m not ready for a tomb
